| | Subject: | gah! | | Time: | 11:57 pm |
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| this is what i would tell you if i could:
stop letting her do that to you. tell her to stop talking to you, it's over, it sucked, she can move on, you havent seen each other in ages (right, i am right, right?) you told me this and i thought you said you wouldnt lie.
tell her you dont care, whats her problem, you seriously didnt want to know.
tell her to get over herself, to shut up, to stop being immature and so jealous.
tell her to stop being insecure, stop being controlling, stop making your decisions.
or maybe i could just say goodbye...is that easier for you? | comments: Leave a comment   |
| finals are being so stressful
and i just figured out i wont be able to breathe til monday.
and i am so tired. and i want things i am not getting.
and i am getting things i am not wanting.
and i want to go to bed. but chem awaits tomro.
aiaiaiaiaiai | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | more. | | Time: | 07:32 pm |
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| there's more lurking beneath this surface...
than i had ever hoped to be contained in my nightmares.
ham or eggs, people? ham or eggs?
i really couldnt tell you, at this point. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| everything is so great right now.
i really really like him.
life is wonderful!!
i'm so happy with him.
i wish i could bottle this feeling, keep it forever. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| when is the last time i posted in here? i mean, really.
it's been forever.
not much going on, mike and i are coming to the heights to go to my cousin's wedding. he's driving.
yikes! lol.
i have a cute dress for the wedding but i wont fit into it like i used to so now i need to lose and that won't be fun.
plus i have 4 days.
other than that not much is happening. i got my papers finished (2/3) so i am pretty happy.
i get chem. math has an exam coming up (yikes some more).
not much else... | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| i had a long night last night, got to talk to a boy from one of my classes for 3 hours in his room, just us, alone...lol. i got back around midnight and went to bed.
this morning i had classes, almost fell asleep, and had a dr. appt. it was raining but it was so beautiful, the leaves and the rain were gorgeous! i wished i had my camera with me. after the appt. i went to barnes and noble, did my chem and my iss paper, and read books. i tried the pumpkin spice latte with soy and it was good. then i went to some stores and got some taco bell. i walked home and that is up to now. i am pretty excited about today, i dk why.
what a beautiful day... | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| its not that i am not doing well
i am
i am doing fine
i just hate waking up with the realization that i dont feel as if i have slept at all, that even tho it is 8am i have no one to call or talk to, that my family is in school or work, and so is ryan.
i hate feeling like i am forcing myself to go to these classes. i hate writing. i hate assignments. i hate that kid in math class. i hate not having good food. i hate not being able to cook on my own, or watch cool rented movies, or anything fun.
this weekend i want someone to come up and visit ME. i should have the room all to my lovely self, so any friends should come over.
they wont, they never do, but dont be discouraged, just call my cell.
i will go rent my movies and try to do fun things, if such things existed.
i miss my dog. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| they tell me to manage my own time! ha!
they want me to get good grades, hold down a job, volunteer, meet people, date FUCKING JOCKS, find time to sleep, don't get fucked up, dont get in trouble with cops, go to meetings, write your fat bratty cousins, and do all the cleaning for your place.
and then i get home, and they tell me they need me to babysit my cousins, that they want me to help watch my post-surgery grandmother, i need to attend a family friend's birthday party, swim with my brother, get my school clothes shopping done, excercise with them, they tell me btw ryan called and wants to hang out, get my laundry done, and leave by 8am on MONDAY MORNING, so i can bikeride and walk and ride a bus around campus with them
and they ruined my fucking favorite pair of jeans, and when i say please dont touch MY SHIT, they get all offended.
LET ME RUN MY OWN FUCKING LIFE.
its 2am and i want to get OUT OF HERE
college doesnt suck.
parents do. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| to lust after, to be wanted. to be loved.
i miss these feelings. i want to feel special, alive again. i want to say goodbye to old friends, see them once more before i go.
the sterlingfest is this weekend. i most undoubtedly will be there. can you tell i have deleted all my old journal posts in here? i want a new life. i am going off to msu soon. watch my new posts for news on my old life, or leave me to myself and my dorm.
i want a vegan. i want tattoos. i want someone who drives and writes poetry, does classwork, holds down a job, can talk about life and make me laugh. calls me, waits for me to come.
i want someone who satisfies what i want. be that person, or leave me out of it. that's what i want. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| i have a void. i see it every day in the blades of the pencil sharpener. he asks me not to do it again. i ask myself why i wouldnt dare try it one last time. finally, an escape, from these invisible chains that bind, can no one see them? i want to save so many, but leave myself to suffer for peace. i can see why he wants to be a martyr, a real life jesus. its within some of us more than others.
i cant take this. i think i am going to puke. which even tho it may seem like an uncontrolled response, is more controlled than any other. "lets play anorexic model game!" points finger to back of throat and play gags, while still smiling. i remind him i could make more come up in less time than he could. i think that put a gray cloud in the sky and ended the game. a silence heard by many, roaring perhaps. i cant help it that its true. cant argue with experience.
and now. what plagues me now? the poor girl is not back and altho i feel outside of all this i believe somehow he may be the satan we all heard him tell us and somehow he has led us all into this trance-like state that leads us to self-inflicted wounds. i told the kid i would get him papers for god's sake- how could i die now? i have made too many plans...cant let anyone down...
they told me. its not worth it. do you think you look pretty that way? go for it. damnit i cant see you. the tears and yes, mascara are clouding you from me. did you know today i ate breakfast, lunch, dinner, and some cake? no wonder i feel ten pounds heavier. usually its not that much.no one will let me near you. not even myself, not even you. they made fun of me. they laughed while screams inside my ears would not stop and they got right up in my face. i forgave you but i cannot forget the pain.
so many wounds. and so i am sick so what do you do? you lock me in a car for an hour in 93 degree heat. and as anyone would call this child abuse, i almost called it murder, because i was ever so close to severing your head.
i wont let them die for me. no one said i would have to. i will skip school and run away and i will never come back. they never should have let us read the giver when we were young. the impressions it left are still felt today. i still believe i can run away forever and still be ok. please, run away with me. the things we could do. does no one feel a calling? to be free of all consequence for one day. i hope we live to be together for that long. i hope we live to see each other again. and so i ask things of the one who cannot risk, for too many consequences befall him. is it too much to ask?
i will never forgive myself for not running away with you when you asked for me. the only thing you ever asked and i let you down. you may not remember, but i can tell it would have changed us, now. we would not be here.
i need you to talk to. i will never be able to say what i mean, but i do want to tell you. i love you. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| he says, maybe i can get out early, come see you, skip that other day
i think, get out early? impossible, were you even in?
and my mother asks...why don't you ever talk about that night, in the cafeteria?
but i don't say, its because we both fucked up mom. we both ran away
and i see him, walking down the hall, hand in hand
and i think, we did fuck up, didn't we? didn't we?
but i don't get an answer, he's too busy getting stoned.
can't help it, but i think, who the hell am i, anymore? | | comments: Leave a comment |
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devious, dirty...sad.